It is astounding
to see them now
the crowd of voices
I let shape the beliefs
of what my life
should look like
For decades I wandered
empty in spirit
misplaced responsibilities
in conflict
with desires
After attempting to stay
more than once
I would end up
in the same place
of wanting to leave again
So much unfinished
convinced
I was the broken one
never satisfied
an endless yearning for something more
Confused about my restlessness
no longer trusting myself
I went to others in search of wisdom
Forgetting it was
my longing
my life
my inquiry
the crowd
responded to my questions with
their fears
their beliefs
their limitations
Sadly, I listened carefully and caught all of the words and energy they threw in my direction.
Staying stuck in the persona of a woman continuing to please the un-named masses.
Married to the wrong man
emptying my talents into a soul-less profession
trading tucking my children in at night
for the next business trip
fixating on outward perfection
buying things I didn’t need
spending money I didn’t have
wasting my best energy on broken systems and people
obsessing over what they thought of me
looking at my value from the outside
aching in my body
longing in my heart
confined in my spirit
it was never enough
I was never enough
until one day I awoke
I can’t quite pinpoint the moment when I knew for certain the voices I had been anticipating, even obeying, were not real.
Shhhhhh … listen carefully …
I alone have the power to choose
my life
my self
my knowing
over the demands of others
I do not need their permission
I can simply leave
without justifying
my reasons
my beliefs
my boundaries
my story
I can trust myself
listen to my body
speak my truth
cherish my spirit
give myself grace
love my own imperfect being
It seemed so simple
Why had it taken so long?
Did it really matter?
I am here now
fully present
alive
vibrant even
fierce
determined
wise
free
I am free
It took leaving many things, in order to find me
Welcome home
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