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  • Writer's pictureMonica Dillon

Shedding

Updated: May 30, 2023


It is astounding

to see them now

the crowd of voices

I let shape the beliefs

of what my life

should look like


For decades I wandered

empty in spirit

misplaced responsibilities

in conflict

with desires


After attempting to stay

more than once

I would end up

in the same place

of wanting to leave again


So much unfinished

convinced

I was the broken one

never satisfied

an endless yearning for something more


Confused about my restlessness

no longer trusting myself

I went to others in search of wisdom


Forgetting it was

my longing

my life

my inquiry

the crowd

responded to my questions with

their fears

their beliefs

their limitations


Sadly, I listened carefully and caught all of the words and energy they threw in my direction.

Staying stuck in the persona of a woman continuing to please the un-named masses.


Married to the wrong man

emptying my talents into a soul-less profession

trading tucking my children in at night

for the next business trip

fixating on outward perfection

buying things I didn’t need

spending money I didn’t have

wasting my best energy on broken systems and people

obsessing over what they thought of me

looking at my value from the outside

aching in my body

longing in my heart

confined in my spirit

it was never enough

I was never enough

until one day I awoke


I can’t quite pinpoint the moment when I knew for certain the voices I had been anticipating, even obeying, were not real.


Shhhhhh … listen carefully …


I alone have the power to choose

my life

my self

my knowing

over the demands of others


I do not need their permission

I can simply leave

without justifying

my reasons

my beliefs

my boundaries

my story


I can trust myself

listen to my body

speak my truth

cherish my spirit

give myself grace

love my own imperfect being


It seemed so simple

Why had it taken so long?

Did it really matter?

I am here now

fully present

alive

vibrant even

fierce

determined

wise

free


I am free


It took leaving many things, in order to find me


Welcome home


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